Breastfeeding: 10 things they don’t tell you

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It is world breastfeeding week! Instead of a soppy post about how amazing our journey has been and how lucky I feel to be able to breastfeed my daughter (which I do), I thought I would inject a bit of light hearted fun into the week and warn all of you mother’s to be about the things the midwives don’t tell you. I know many of my readers will get this, for those of you without children, and my Dad, I apologise if this is TMI. So here goes:

1. Your newborn doesn’t give a damn who the milk comes from:

You may want to warn visitors to wear high cut tops, unless they are down with wet nursing. Your little bundle of joy will nuzzle into any warm, welcoming chest if their tummy is rumbling, even Grandad’s.

2. You need different sized bras for morning and night:

Depending on your babies sleeping schedule, you will probably find that sometime during the morning you look like Katie Price, and feel like you could model for the cover of FHM. By early evening that E cup bra is hanging off of your deflated balloons and you understand why your mother-in-law warned you that breastfeeding will give you spaniels ears for tits.

3. In the early days – you stink:

This isn’t always the case but I guess I was lucky. All of the weird hormones flying around your body, and I am assuming the fact that your milk producing glands are modified sweat glands, may mean that for the first few months of breastfeeding, you stink. Remember when I told you that I couldn’t make that lunch date because Poppy was over tired/poorly/teething/all of the above? I meant to say that I just couldn’t shift this smell of B.O and didn’t want to put you off your food. Of course if you manage to avoid this lovely by product of breastfeeding, you are still likely to smell pretty offensive. Sour milk anyone?

4. You might just leak all of the time:

Pre-baby if someone had told me they had enjoyed a milk bath it would have conjured up romantic images of some new age spa treatment in a mountain retreat, surrounded by exotic flowers and floating candles. 9 months later and I was having them on a daily basis, through no choice of my own. But hey, at least when we had unexpected visitors we didn’t need to worry about having the fridge stocked with fresh milk.

5. Your baby does not care about your dignity:

Poppy has never been the type to settle down for a cosy, lazy, relaxed feed. At least not when we are in company. God forbid she misses something more interesting! She latches on and off and on and off, making sure everyone gets a good look at my chest in the meantime. I have heard people say it IS possible to feed discreetly…I am sceptical.  At first you feel self-conscious, but you soon surround yourself with understanding people who you know are not offended by a woman’s beautiful, natural anatomy. If that isn’t possible you get very quick at the top up, top down, top up, top down manoeuvre and hope that in your sleep deprived state you don’t get it the wrong way around. TIP: By all means relax in the comfort of your own home and let your baby latch on and off as much as they please without a care in the world. But I speak from experience when I say that if you are so relaxed that you haven’t noticed you are still undressed after your baby is finished and playing on the floor, just make sure the curtains are shut if it is around the time that the postman does his rounds. That parcel exchange was the most awkward I ever had.

6. Nursing bras are hideous:

When I was pregnant I went to get fitted for a new maternity bra. The woman in the shop clearly mistook me for an 80 year old virgin as she fetched the most hideous contraptions I have ever seen. I swore that I could still be a Mum, a breastfeeding Mum, and be sexy too. I was wrong. A year later and I am longing for those supportive, practical, beige, boulder holders as I desperately faff about with uncomfortable, lacy, balconette bra’s every time Poppy gets hungry. I try to pretend that she isn’t the only other person who ever sees them, but who am I kidding?

7. Babies are not immobile, floppy, blobs forever:

Eventually they learn how to sit up, crawl, do the crab…and you might find they like a “drive-thru” as much as the next person. You see babies are busy little beings with lot’s to learn, and sometimes they just don’t want to stop and do nothing whilst they eat their lunch. If you breastfeed lying down, like I do on occasion, you may find your baby getting into all sorts of funny positions, nipple still in mouth. It is actually quite amazing how stretchy those things are. Downward dog was a favourite in our house for a while, sometimes with a little twerking for good measure. Sometimes she doesn’t have time for a full tank. She stops, mid-play, pulls down my top as affectionately as you would unscrew a petrol cap, and refuels, sitting bolt upright the entire time. The blue-eyed baby in the follow-on milk advert doesn’t do that.

8. Babies are also very flexible:

Settling down for a good feed is the perfect time to practise their acrobats. Foot to face is the favourite…your face that is. I am kicked in the face and have toes up my nose on a regular basis. A word of warning: when your baby first discovers they can do this. DO NOT PLAY KISS THE FOOT! It is cute the first time, your baby looks at you and giggles as you pretend to nibble their sweet little toes. But the thing is, babies like repetition. Mums like peace and quiet. So if you want to make the most of that “peaceful” twenty minutes, try not to interact with them at all.

9. Nipples are to babies what speed is to sniffer dogs:

There are times during the night when I do my best not to feed Poppy back to sleep. But, for practicality reasons I don’t always sleep with a top on (sorry for the mental picture, or you are welcome depending on who you are). So there I am lying on my front, absolutely adamant that my goodies are staying firmly squished into the mattress as I attempt to shh her back to sleep. Poppy is rooting around and I have this very brief smug feeling of power (I did not just say that, all of my AP friends close your ears!), when all of a sudden, out of nowhere I feel a familiar suckling and Poppy is looking pleased as punch as she drifts into a milky dream. How….? Wha…? I told you they were stretchy!!

10. Breasts are really interesting for a 10 month old:

*See earlier points about elasticity of nipples

So we are 11 months in and the fun continues! But would a change a thing? Absolutely not. For all of the inconveniences, there are so many positives. If you are considering breastfeeding, do it, do it, do it – just don’t say I didn’t warn you!

HAPPY BREASTFEEDING WEEK EVERYONE!

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3 thoughts on “Breastfeeding: 10 things they don’t tell you

  1. I can relate to allll of this. What a journey it’s been. Some funny points here like about the postman made me lol. If you got through the birth with dignity you won’t make it through bf that’s for sure.

    Hopefully without sounding patronising well done on keeping it up for so long. Xx

  2. This was great, thank you! I thought I was the only one wondering how breast feeding is done “discreetly”? Not only does he pop on and off, but when off there is usually a stream of milk firing through the air!

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